I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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