It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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