If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
