i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
