K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
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