So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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