He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize