She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
