She announced her abortion via fbk
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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