My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
