New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
