I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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