Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i've created a new STD.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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