hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
