Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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