Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
pray to the hookup gods
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize