Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize