I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
