The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
