I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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