I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
