Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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