im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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