Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
