If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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