I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
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