Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
