I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
