Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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