I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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