for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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