I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
