I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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