I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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