i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
