nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
