The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize