she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
