I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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