u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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