thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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