I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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