i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
