Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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