I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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