You're so nebulous sometimes
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
