Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
