Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
