Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize