Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
