It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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