I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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