I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Randomize
