im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
