took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
