mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
