im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
