piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
