I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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