We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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