And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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