I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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