dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
