dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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