im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
